What brought us together was a love of nature, or, more specifically, of catching things and unintentionally killing them. - David Sedaris
Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it. - David Sedaris
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit? - David Sedaris
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. - David Sedaris
I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met. - David Sedaris
Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and never understand that struggle is useless - that's what hell must be like. - David Sedaris
All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments. - David Sedaris
I’ve often lost faith in myself, I’ve never lost it in my family - David Sedaris
A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys. Instead, I just heated up a skillet of plastic soldiers, poured a milkshake over my head and called it a night. - David Sedaris
Look at yourself on the day that you graduated from college, then look at yourself today. I did that recently and it was like, 'Yikes! What the hell happened? - David Sedaris
If you are any kind of an artist, then validation … can be a result, but you’re going to do the work anyway. Because you’re just wired that way. It’s so engrained, it’s such a part of your personality that you don’t just stop doing it. - David Sedaris
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it. - David Sedaris
If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve. - David Sedaris
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. - David Sedaris
At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface. - David Sedaris
I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer. - David Sedaris
A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneasy with the fit. - David Sedaris